A Year Of Static and Noise

Well here we are, another year almost over. Seventeen hours from now ( well more like eleven hours now, I did write this out 6 hours ago) 2010 will be behind us, and 2011 will be beginning. I always find the end of the year to be a rather bittersweet moment. On the one hand your having to say goodbye to twelve months. Twelve months of memories and moments. Moments that were amazing, heartbreaking, enlightening, scary. For some we've had to say goodbye to people, important people. Whether its because they to move on and start the next chapter of their lives, or because it was simply their time to go and meet whatever or whoever is waiting to greet us when our time on Earth is done.

And on the other hand we get to usher in a whole new year. A whole new slate is set before us, and we get to make new memories. Meet new people. See new things. To try and find the extraordinary in everyday. And so comes the bittersweetness of saying goodbye the year, and hello to the new one.

Yet, as bittersweet as I find the prospect of the New Year, I find it as equally thrilling. A whole new year of the unknown, and I look forward to what it may bring. One of the things I love the most about the new year is the moment I take to reflect on the things that happened the year before.

2010 wasn't a bad year, wasn't exactly the greatest, but not bad. i met some extraordinary people. people who have changed my life and helped shape me a little bit more into the person I am now. I've seen things through a new viewpoint, one that I probably would have never seen if it weren't for them. And I hope they understand how much they are cared for, even if I haven't said it to them outloud.

I've lost some people too. People I never thought I'd lose, and it wasn't entirely their fault. It was mine too. My inability to just speak up, and face a problem head on and make things better. I miss you, you know? I miss the talks, drives, and all around randomness. And I love you. More importantly I'm sorry. Sorries than you'll ever know.
I guess this year has taught me a lot. I've learned how to be a better mother. I've watched Jonathan grow from toddler to child in what seems like a blink of an eye. Jonathan brought some of the funniest and scariest moments of 2010. I have never laughed as much than when I listen to Jonathan tell some crazy, off the wall story that he's cooked up with his ever expanding imagination. I've also learned a great deal about patience, believe me you would too if you had a five year old with the attitude of a fifteen year old. I've watched in amazement as he's learned how to use a computer, and without breaking anything either. Cried when he lost his first tooth (hey, I'm a Mom okay?) And 2011 brings kindergarten. Which is exciting but at the same time terrifying. I've spent every moment of Jonathan's life (or just about every moment) with him. What am I going to do with free time during the day?

And with that thought I'm brought to something new I picked up in 2010. Baking. And I'm not talking about any of that box stuff. I'm talking sifter, flour, cracked eggs, burned cookies baking. This year was Red Velvet...who knows what 2011 will bring.
But I guess what I learned the most about this year was, me. I learned that I'm not as strong as I pretend to be, and I've also learned that being strong isn't always whats important. What's important is knowing when to ask for helo, but more importantly that asking for help is okay, and often times the wise choice, because to struggle through a hard moment in life alone is not the way to do it. No need to be a martyr if you have people who love you and are more than happy to be that rock when you need it.

I've learned just recently that to hold onto something that obviously isn't yours to hold onto is too heartbreaking to do, and it drains you of too much of your emotional strength, and really it makes you feels incredibly stupid when you come to the realization for yourself.
I've realized that just because I care as much as I do for the people in my life, that it doesn't mean that they to get to have free reign over me, my life, or my emotions. I learned that I have to be me. Crazy, random, music-loving, bathroom dancing, hairbrush singing, nail polish addicted, make-up loving me. And thats OKAY! Because if anyone in my life wants to change that or me, or doesn't like it, they know where the door is and they are more than welcome to let the door hit them on the ass on their way out.

So in 2010 I've Lived. Loved. Laughed. Cried. Fought. Won. Loss. But whats important is that I've learned, and I have every intention of taking those lessons, those memories, taking all the little moments with me into 2011 and making it an amazing year.
I have many big plans and resolutions for 2011. Big plans I say!

1. Graduate High School
2. Be a healthier, happier me!
3. Blog everyday
4. Be serious about my writing
5. See or do something new every day
6. Show the people who matter how much they are appreciated
7. Laugh more
8. Journal every single day (even if I did absolutely nothing, if I write a big Nothing across the page it still counts....at least in my book it does.)
9. Be me and be okay with it!
10. Be Happy!

So friends, there you have it. 2010 in my words, or maybe its just static and noise. I hope all of you had a good year, and if you didn't then I sincerely hope that 20110 brings nothing but happiness and joy.

Remember life is what you make it. So make the most of it. Your in control of your destiny, and don't let anyone, or anything tell you that your dreams aren't worth it. Fight for them, because your worth it.

Love,

Amber

Life's Too Short

" In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life. It goes on."- Robert Frost.

So here I sit, the apartment quiet, and I'm left with nothing but my thoughts. Most of the time, it's not such a horrible thing to be left alone with my thoughts, but sometimes it really can be a bad thing.

Life was put in perspective for me tonight. When I got news that someone, who is young and has a blindingly bright future ahead of her, is sick. Really sick. And though I don't talk to this person every day, it still hurts to think about.

I'm not naive enough to believe that people my age are immune to illness, or tragedy. I think that just about every year since I left home I have heard of a classmate who passed away. I understand that things like this happen but it just doesn't make any sense to me.

I guess things like this have never made any sort of sense to me, ever. I never understood how bad things can happen, and maybe its because I try to stay optomistic no matter what, and I try to see the good in this world. I will never understand when someone harms a child, or someone loses a parent, or a best friend, or a parent watches their child waste away in front of them. I will never understand it.

As frustrating as the fact that I will never understand is, it forces me to embrace the here and now. It makes me realize, that the people that you have in your life, they are the one's who matter. The one's who bring a smile to your face, or make you feel like your worth something, those are the one's you have to hold on.

Life is just too short people. Too short to hold onto the pain, anger, bitterness, and whatever else is hindering you in being thankful every single day for the people in your life that matter. It's too short to not strive and push yourself every single day to achieve your wildest dreams.

" Laugh as much as you breathe, and love as long as you live."

Do You Ever Think About Me?

'Sometime's I think about you, wonder if you're out there somewhere thinkin 'bout me,

And would you even recognize,

The woman that your little girl has grown up to be.

'Cause I look in the mirror and all I see

Are your eyes looking back at me

They're the only thing you ever gave to me at all.'

Do you ever have one of those days, when you think back to the past, to a time so far gone that its a wonder that you can even remember it at all? Sometimes I catch myself doing that. Thinking back to the past. Searching so far back in my memory that things become a bit hazy around the edges and the picture isn't completely clear. Today was one of those days.

I don't think about her often. I think I have purposely blocked out the majority of those memories, only because I find them to be to painful ninety percent of the time. But I can't deny that when I look in the mirror I see her face staring back at me. Her eyes. And her hair. And I can't help but wonder if maybe I have some of the same manneurisms as she. Do I brush my hair the same way she brushes her, or do I have the same smile. Do I sound like her?

For a long time I told myself that she had her reasons for doing the things she did. For choosing the way she chose. And I had been told a million times that perhaps she made the best decision for me. And perhaps she did. And maybe for a while I believed the things I was told.

However, I'm a mother now, and I know that there isn't a damn thing in this world that could drag me away from my son. There is nothing, there isn't a thing a person could give me, or say to me to make me walk away.

So I wonder, how could she have walked away so easily? Was I really worth so little to her?

Thinking about her today got me to thinking, really thinking. And it made me realize that its the fear of abandonment that has me so messed. That has me being one of two ways. Over clingy, or distant. I seem to find that if I distance myself than I'm less likely to get hurt. But that doesn't always work out for the best. I'm pretty sure that I have missed out on some great friendships, and emotional connections with people because I distance myself. And in the same note becoming to attatched to someone never seems to work out for me either. Because I have a tendency of giving everything that I have to give to people and the majority of the time it always ends up kicking me in the backside.

I am steadily learning to straddle the line. To balance myself out. Do I still have fears? Absolutely. Will I always have them? Most likely. Its time that I asked myself the important question though. Am I going to let the fear of what may or may not happen stop me from living my life to the fullest, stop me from having amazing opportunities with people, stop me from making genuine friends who accept and love me for me?

No, no I'm not. She may have walked away, but does that mean that everyone is going to walk away? No. Will some people walk away? Sure. I've dealt with it before, and I'm sure I will deal with it again. But I will not let the fear of the unknown stop me from being me. Stop me from living. She wont take that away from me. Not know, and not ever again.

Tasty Tuesday

So I woke up this morning to a beautiful overcast day in the Pacific Northwest, and decided that it sounded like a good day as any to bake. Now, I have always loved baking things. Especially when they turn out really well, and people enjoy what I spent hours making.

Now, last year I tackled learning how to make a home made chocolate cake and chocate frosting, and I felt so good about it. Because before that moment the most I ever did in making a cake was open a box, measure some water and oil, and crack a few eggs, so last year learning to make a cake from scratch made me feel as if I was on top of the world.

Lately however, through some pretty awesome friends and their tweets, my curiosity was raised from hearing all their talk about Red Velvet Cake. So I decided for myself today that I would tackle this mammoth mountain and see what would happen.

Now of course my journey to what I now like to call Red Velvet Heaven, I had to find a good recipe. So I hopped onto Google, and searched for a while before coming across one from Martha Stewart. And I figured, if she can do it, so can I.

After tearing apart my kitchen and discovering that I only had two, yes two items for the recipe in my arsenal of food items, I much to my dismay, had to take a trip to Safeway, which was frustrating in and of itself, because lets face it, whenever you need to find something in a store, you can NEVER, EVER find it, and usually its right there in front of your face. So after scouring the aisles for nearly-twenty minutes with my sister in law I finally found all of the things that I needed, and made a beeline for the ridiculously long lines. Seriously, how long can a line be in a Safeway, on a Tuesday? It's as if the baking muses were out to thwart me from my mission, but I refused to be beaten down. I was determined to do this. Nothing would get in my way.

Fast forward to nine o'clock, the kitchen was mine. It was just me, some good music, and Red Velvet Cupcakes. And wouldn't you know it, I didn't get enough red food coloring. ( it takes two whole, 1 ounce bottles of red food coloring just to make the cake red, who would have thought right?) So off to Safeway I went, once again (thank God it's open twenty-four hours.) So away to the store with myself I went, only to find myself standing in yet another ridiculously long line at nine thirty at night ( in the express lane no less) to buy three items, with a woman in front of me who wanted a rain check on just about every item in the paper for this week. So to say that when I got out of Safeway that I was a little peeved would be an understatement, which was only made worse to find that the skies had opened up in the twenty minutes that I was in the store and it was pouring rain. Got to love the Pacific Northwest.

Finally, I found myself in the sanctuary of my kitchen, safe and dry, surrounded by mixing bowls, and measuring cups, and I felt slightly overwhelmed. And for a moment I thought to myself, that perhaps I had taken on too much. As I looked at the sea of ingredients, and my small, pitiful kitchen, I contemplated throwing my hands in the air, and saying forget it. Cue some good old inspiration in the form of MJ's PYT ( gotta love an I-Pod on shuffle) and just like that, in the blink of an eye the inspiration was back and it was time to do what I had set out to do.

After the first few minutes, and countless times of checking the recipe I kind of lost myself. Let myself sink into the moment, into the scents and the sounds. And all of the tumultuous emotions that have plagued me for a week just seemed to slip away. For that hour it was just me, the music, and Red Velvet Cake.

So drawing this blog to a close, I have learned a few things. When you write a recipe down, be sure you check, double check, and triple check that you got enough of what it calls for to save yourself from having to run back to the store. Relax, if it turns out good, great, if it doesn't then you'll know what to do differently the next time. And lastly, let the moment take you away.

At This Moment

" At this moment there are 6, 470, 818, 671 people in the world. Some are running scared. Some are coming home. Some tell lies to get through the day. Others are just now facing the truth. Some are evil men, at war with good. And some are good, struggling with evil. Six billion people in the world. Six billion souls. And sometimes...all you need is one."-Peyton Sawyer OTH


I sit in front of this computer with my fingers at the keyboard and I listen as the rain falls outside of my window, and my thoughts are on one person. My Dad. I don't know why, tonight of all nights that he seems to be on the fore front of my mind, but he's there. Maybe he's playing muse tonight, or maybe simply he's trying to just tell me that its time that I check myself, and get myself back on track.

In my twenty three years of life I have had three fathers. My biological one, who other than giving my Biological Mother a helping hand in my creation, hasn't had anything to do with me. Then there was my Biological Mother's husband, my step-father, who, well, I wont go into what he was. All I can say is this, he wasn't a father, not even close to a father figure.

And then there is my Dad. The only man in my life who showed me what a Dad truly was, that to be a dad is more than to just simply have the title, or to create a life, its what you do with that life. Its how you shape it.

My Dad was an amazing man. I can remember the silliest things about him. About how he would look when he first woke up in the morning, or the fact that he was hardly ever without a Coca-Cola in his hand. But aside from those things, its other things I remember.

I remember him trying to instill in all of his kids the importance of family, education, friendship, and love. I was a lucky girl, to have a Dad who would come to my room every night to sit and talk to me, whether it was just for a minute or fifteen minutes. Every night he would come in and talk to me. And every night before turning the light out and shutting my door he would say, I love Amber, a bushel's worth.

I was fourteen when my Dad died. And at the time it felt like my world was collapsing around me, and maybe it was. Perhaps for a long time after that nothing made sense in my world anymore. I dealt with every conceivable emotion that a person deals with after losing someone important. I didn't understand. I didn't understand how in one moment he was here, and in the next he was just gone.

Over time, I learned to accept it. No amount of praying, or crying was going to bring my dad back to any of us. But acceptance doesn't make it any easier.

I often times wonder if my Dad is proud of me. Proud of the decisions I have made, and I'm sure I have had some shortcomings in his eyes, but I wonder if who I am as Amber, as the woman that I am, makes him proud.

As I write this, I realize exactly what is that I'm trying to say. People can be gone so quick. All that it takes is a blink of an eye. Now their here, now their gone. Over the last week or so I have been on an emotional rollercoaster, and as my soul has finally started to settle and the pain has slowly digressed I realize something. It doesn't matter. What hurts you, what a person says, what happens none of that matters. What matters is this. Everyone in your life right now is there for a purpose. Every person that you care about is there for a reason. I didn't realize that, not this past week. Instead I wallowed in pain and hurt without opening my eyes and realizing that I have so much to be thankful for. So many people to be thankful for. More importantly I have some apologies to make, to the people who I have somehow hurt.

" Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around."-Leo F. Buscaqlia.

Friendship Part One

Sitting here tonight, I'm reminded why I miss blogging so much. Blogs are an easy way to talk about any subject, or to simply not talk about anything at all. I used to blog all the time, whether it was about something I felt strongly about, or if it was just a walk through my day. So I decided that perhaps, I need to get back into the habit of writing a blog. I'll probably start off small, once or twice a week, but I don't want to make any promises because lets face it, whenever I put myself on a deadline, it never works out well.

Tonight I want to cover a subject that seems to be on my mind a lot lately. Friendship.

Friendship as defined by Google is the state of being friends. Or. Friendship is the cooperative and supportive relationship between people, or animals. In this sense the term connotes a relationship which involves mutual knowledge, esteem, affection, and respect, along with a degree of rendering service to friends in time of need or crisis.

Thinking back over my twenty three years of existance I see how much I've grown, and at times how much I've stumbled. I can remember not having many friends in my early years, but that was because I was in foster care, and well, lets face it, when your the only kid in the class who says that your Mommy and Daddy didn't want you kids tend to shun you, just a bit. However, I remember when I was moved to my final foster home, with the family who adopted me, I was able to achieve my first real friendships. It helped that I was going to the same school every year instead of being switched out.

And then fifth grade happened, and we moved from one side of town to another, and with that came a change of school scenery (again.) It was hard. Because I had gotten used to my old setting, I was happy there, I was comfortable, but I quickly found myself a nice little group of friends, and I was content.

Bring on Junior High. When emotions and hormones are just starting to run rampant and everything changed again. However. I was lucky in the fact that one of the friends I made in Junior High, happened during a time when I needed someone the most. And I can proudly say that we are still friends, best friends to this day.

And finally, High School. I didn't really know what was going on in high school, or where I belonged, I just kind of floated along and hoped for the best. I lost friends, made friends, found the friends that I lost again, and the cycle seemed to repeat itself, fueled by the day to day drama that exists in every high school in America ( and all over the world I'm sure.)

It wasn't until I was "grown up" or what people would say was grown up, and I moved out of state that I realized just how precious friendship is in and of itself. In the last almost six years of living in the Pacific Northwest, I have learned some of the biggest lessons when it comes to the art form known as being a friend, and I have also learned what to expect from a friend.

I have gotten the short end of the stick many times. Whethere it was strictly because of a misunderstanding, or if it was just one person not liking me. The fact is that I have been hurt, much like I'm sure, everyone has in their life.

I am the type of person that gives everything to every person in my life. If I'm your friend, and you call me, it doesn't matter what time of day or night, and you need me I will find a way to be there. I give everything inside of me. And I've been told multiple times, by multiple people in my life that doing that is leaving me open to the pain that is bound to come. But I can't be any other way. I can't shut people out, I can't not be there. It isn't in me to not be there for a friend.

I've learned the hard way though through the years, that not everybody shares the same philosophy on friendship. Not everyone plays by the same rules, or even cares. I have come across the users, who will use a person up until there is literally nothing left to give, and still they try and squeeze a little bit more, until they realize there is nothing left and they are gone without so much as a 'good bye.'

I've come across the back stabbers. We all know these 'friends.' The one's who have nothing but nice things to say to your face, but the moment your out of sight they run their mouths a mile a minute talking nothing but trash and lies about you, and when you confront them they somehow turn it around to make you sound like the crazy one.

I could probably go on, and on, about all of the bad examples of friends that I have come across, but that isn't the point of this blog. Not at all. The point of my blog is to say this. For every bad or poisonous friendship I have come across in my time, I have found another one, a greater one to take its place.

I wont give up hope, that there are genuinly good people in this world. I refuse to. Maybe I'm a dreamer for thinking that way, or for holding onto that hope, but I can't help that. It's who I am, and it's whats inside of me. I believe that everyone has good in them, they just have to choose to show it.

In closing. I want to say I'm sorry. If I have ever been a 'bad' friend to anybody. If I have ever hurt anyone, or let anyone down. I'm truly sorry from the bottom of my heart, and I pray that one day we can sit down and talk about it and make it okay again.

Nothingness

You know, I was hoping that I wouldn't have to write this, but seeing as some things came up, and I have nobody to talk too, I feel the need to let it all out here before I completely lose it and blow up.

Over the last month or so, all I have heard people saying to me is that I've changed. People from my past telling me I've changed, my husband telling me I've changed, and I swear that if I hear someone say those words to me again, I will completely lose it.

Yes, I've changed! Is that a bad thing? Isn't life all about growing up, changing, becoming the person that you were always meant to be? So why is it that when I change, when I become a different person people act like its a neucleur meltdown? Why is it that its okay for other people, but not me?

So, for everyone to read and see I will list who I am, in a painstakingly put together list.

1. I am a girl of extreme emotions, and I accept that. I don't feel something half way. I feel it one hundred percent. If I'm sad, I'm sad, If I'm happy, I'm happy. Plain and simple.


2. I am not certain of myself, ever. I hace self-confidence issues, and I always have. But I am working every single day on making myself better.


3. My family comes first. They have to come first. Everything I do, or dont do comes down to my husband and my child. If you have a problem with that, then you know where the door is, be sure that it hits you on the ass on the way out!


4. I over think. I'm an over-thinker! I will obsess about decisions laying in front of me to the point that I can't sleep, cant eat, cant think of anything else.


5. I have lost my faith. I have lost my faith in God, in church, in most people.


6. That girl that you used to know, the one who would give anything for you, yeah she isn't here anymore. Life, situations, and circumstances have made her just a shell of who she used to be.


7. I hate looking in the mirror. I am never happy with the person that I see.


8. I fear that I will never live up to the standars laid before me, that I will always be a disappointment.


9. I hide my fears behind a carefully placed mask of happiness.


10. I'm terrified of getting close to you. You know how who you are, or you should. I am terrified of getting close to you, but I'm trying, I'm willing to try because I think YOUR worth it.


11. I wish that I didn't have emotions.


12. I dont like showing people the real me, or telling them anything of substance because the moment that you do tell someone you leave yourself open for the heartbreak that can come of it.


13. And finally, and most importantly, I can never go back to that girl. The naive eighteen year old who looked at the world like it was all rainbows and butterflies died a long time ago. But in her place is a woman who knows that for as much ugliness as there is in this world, there is always hope, and I do not, will not regret the fact that I've changed.

I suppose part of me will always miss who I used to be, and that's what kills me. I wish I wasn't so afraid. Afraid of my past, afraid of my future, but I am, and I'm trying to learn to live with that the best that I can.

Its one of the hardest things to admit for some people, and especially for me, that sometimes I need someone. I have been trying so hard for the last couple of years to prove to myself, to prove to everyone else that I don't need anybody, that I can handle everything on my own, but the truth is that I cant. Sometimes the emotions get to be too much, and sometimes life gets to be to hard.

When I started this blog, I was burning mad, so beyond pissed that I could barely think straight. But now, now I just feel empty. Like there is absolutely nothing left inside of me. There's nothing more I can say, not about this.

365 Days Later and No Less Painful

Gone but never Forgotten

Looking back to a year ago today, life was different. Truly, it was. I woke up bright and early on the morning of June 25th of 2009, my heart aching because I was going to have to say good bye to my best friend. After a month of having her as my right hand man, I was having to put her on a plane and watch her leave. My heart broke when I hugged her goodbye and through teary eyes said ' See ya later' only to get back in my car and cry the entire way home. I walked in the door of my in-laws house to the news that Farrah Fawcett had lost her long battle with cancer, and I felt sad. Though I didn't really know much about her, I felt sad for her family, because the loss of a loved one is never easy. Little did I know that walking out of that house only a few hours later there would be an even greater loss, one so big in fact that the entire world stood still.

I wont forget the text message I got from Matt. ' Did you hear about Michael Jackson?' Which I thought was wierd, because even though my husband is in fact a Michael Jackson fan, he isn't nearly on the same wave length as me. ' No.' ' You better get online, TMZ is saying that he died from a heart attack.' My heart faltered for a moment, but at the same time I kind of shrugged it off. After all TMZ isn't exactly known for 'honest' journalism. So I turned the TV on, flipping from CNN, CNBC, MSNBC, Fox News, you name it I was looking at all of them, but there was nothing. So I hopped online, to find that still, TMZ was the only one reporting anything about the situation. And then it happened, like some sort of sick universal joke, news station after news station started breaking the news, and at first there were so many different stories coming to light that my head was spinning. I sunk to the couch, tears clouding my eyes when it came through that Michael Jackson, had collapsed and been rushed to UCLA Medical Center.

It didn't make sense to me. The weekend before Laycie, Matt, and I sat on our balcony and discussed how big we thought Michael's This Is It tour was going to be. In my eyes, I knew it was going to be the greatest comeback of all comebacks. After all, he is the King Of Pop, a true genius when it came to the stage, and how to put on a show that would have people talking for years. It was also in that same weekend that Laycie watched right alond side of me as my Jonathan ( three and a half at the time) in his t-shirt, pull up, one glove, and construction hat (that he insisted was just like Michael's hat) fell in love with music, all because of Michael. I cried, harder than I had in a really long time, and in a soft voice my son asked me what was wrong. Now, I'm not one to lie to my child, so I stifled the tears and told him that Michael Jackson was sick, and he asked why? So I said his heart was sick, the best that I could come up with, with what I had been hearing, and in the innocence that is a childs spirit and heart he said, " It's okay Momma, Michael will be better tomorrow." I grasped onto that hope. I had too.

Of course, three hundred and sixty five days later we all know that Michael Jackson wasn't okay. He died that day, and the world became a little darker and lonelier. Most people ask me why it hurts me so much, why I'm so affected by the passing of someone that I didn't personally know. The truth is, I didn't know Michael. I never spoke to him, or shared a meal, or anything else, but I felt that I did know. I felt that Michael spoke to me in every song he wrote and every dance he danced. Michael gave me hope. The first song I heard of his was the lifeline that I needed when I was nothing more than a little girl lost in the system, waiting for the moment when I got moved to the next home. He gave me something to hold onto, until the family that loves me to this day found me and saved me.

Michael Jackson was an artist, a poet, a musical genius. Yet he was so much more than that. He was a son, brother, father. He was someone's best friend. There was and always be a beauty to Michael that transends the gift he had for music. He was rare. Unquestionably one in a million.

Michael gave me a lot. More than my love of music. He taught me to look for the beauty and good in everyone. I dont think there has ever been someone who was as scrutinized and misunderstood as Michael Jackson, and yet through all of the media hype and scrutiny he proceeded to look for the good in this crazy world, and to do his very best to change the things that were wrong in it. He showed me that its okay. It's okay to be different, and unique. That you do not have to conform to what the world tells you, you have to be. You can change this world, all you have to do is believe that you can.

Drawing this blog to an end, I am continually haunted by this quote. " There's nothing romantic about death. Grief is like the ocean...it's deep and dark and bigger than all of us. And pain is like a thief in the night. Quiet, persistent, and unfair....Diminished by time, and fate, and love."

I truly pray that you are at peace now Michael, and I know that your probably up there in Heaven looking down, watching over all of the people who are grieving for you and shaking your head. I know we should be smiling for you, so that's what I will do today. I'll smile.

Nameless, Faceless, Voiceless

I have been compelled to write this blog, on a very touchy subject. I do not expect everyone to agree with me, however, I am writing so that I have a voice, and maybe, just maybe, I can give other's a voice. What is Rape? Rape is defined as 1.) The unlawful compelling of a woman through physical force or duress to have sexual intercourse. 2.) Any act of sexual intercourse that is forced upon a person. 3.) An act of plunder, violent seizure, or abuse; despoliation; violation. 4.) Archaic. The act of seizing or carrying off by force. For most the topic of sexual assault is a "taboo" subject. One in which most would rather sweep it under the rug and pretend it doesn't happen, then to deal with the harsh reality. I recently heard something distressing. Someone said that if a woman wears 'revealing, or immodest clothes they are asking for something to happen,' and that 'you cant rape the willing.' Well, before I put my two cents in on what this person said, bare with me as I give some statistics to you.

1.) One out of every six American woman has been the victim of an attempted or completed rape in her lifetime.

2.) 17.7 MILLION American women have been victims of attempted or completed rape.

3.) Nine of every Ten rape victims were women in 2003.

4.) About THREE percent of American men, or one in thirty-three, have experienced an attempted or completed rape in their lifetime.

5.) There were 248,300 sexual assaults in 2007. ( Most recent data available courtesy of the U.S Department of Justice's National Crime Victimization Survey.) That breaks down to one rape or sexual assault every TWO MINUTES!

6.) Sexual Assault is one of the most underreported crimes with SIXTY percent going unreported, that means, fifteen out of every sixteen rapists walk FREE. ( all statistics can be found at www.rainn.org/statistics )

You may be wondering what all those statistics were about. Well I'll tell you. When I heard the person who shall remain nameless say what they said, it made me want to vomit. For anyone in this world to try and justify a rape or sexual assault by blaming the victim is ludicrous. To say that the way a person dresses is an open invitation for unwanted attention and action is appalling. Does that mean that every woman walking in a short skirt, or low cut shirt is asking for someone to rape them? That makes about as much sense as me walking up to someone and punching them in the face because they are wearing a color I don't like.

This also includes women or men who are inebriated. Just because someone is intoxicated doesn't change the fact that consent needs to be given. If someone is blacked out does that give someone free reign to do whatever they want to someone? I dont think so. If that was the case, Andrew Luster wouldn't be rotting in jail for doing what he did. If that was the case there wouldn't be 'date-rape' now would there be?

The sad thing is, no matter what I say it wont change anything. The world is what it is. I can only hope that victims find their voices. That they speak up. They make it known that what happened to them, or someone they love, IS NOT OKAY! Victims tend to blame themselves, and it's sad when people who should be supporting and lifting them up, instead turn on them, and place blame where it doesn't belong.

So this is where I speak up. I am a victim of sexual assault. I live with it every single day of my life. There are the good days where it isn't on my mind, and there are the bad days, where it's all that I can think about. There are days I blame myself. For being in the situation, for not saying anything, for sweeping it under the rug. But I refuse to sit by and let anyone say that because of what a girl wears they were asking for it. I didnt ask for it. 17.7 million women didn't ask for it, but it happened. It is hard enough to live our lives not blaming ourselves for what happened, but to have ignorant and blatanly disgusting people say those sort of things only makes it harder for us to come forward and do the right thing and report what happened. I refuse to be just another nameless, faceless, voiceless victim. I will not remain silent when things like that are said. Silence will no longer be in my vocabulary when I feel the need to stand up and make a statement. When I feel wronged.

So to the people who think that way, that rape and sexual assault is something that the victims brought upon themselves, ask yourself this. Would you think the same thing if it was your mother, sister, brother, son, daughter, father, cousin? Would you be so quick to point the finger? To make such callous and hurtful remarks?

My name is Amber Toms, and after today I will no longer be just another nameless, faceless, voiceless victim. I take back that power.

To anyone who reads this, who has been a victim, I plea that you dont remain silent. Find someone to talk to. Family. Friends. A counselor. Don't lock away the pain. Victims of sexual assault are FOUR times more likely to contemplate suicide. Know this, what happened to you, will not define you as a person, unless you give it the power to. You are so much more than a victim. Take what happened to you, and use it. Take the anger, the pain, the wave of emotions that course through you and put it to use. Find something your passionate about and turn it into something beautiful. Most importantly know that you are not alone.

Finally to the person who said those things, I hope that you found this blog educational. And note, I even put the link to the website where I got all of my information from so that you can see it for yourself. I hope it does enlighten you. Most of all, thank you. What you said, set something off inside of me, lit a fire that burns in my blood, and it made me realize that for every person that is just like you, there are hundreds, even thousands who will fight and stand for the victims. Because of you, I will no longer live my life feeling like a victim. I will take what happened to me, and countless others and turn it into something. I will fight to make my voice heard, to make all of our voices heard, and it's going to be deafening. One day, you'll swallow those words. As much as I wish I could say I hate you, I wont. I will forgive you, and forget that you ever existed. And I pray, that you never have to find out first hand what its like to feel that hopeless, alone, scared, and ashamed.

Love,

Amber

Out With The Old, In With The New

Well, here it is 2010 has officially begun. Usually, I have my end of the year blog written before or on New Years eve, but 2009 was such a hard year that I have found myself contemplating how it's possible to fit in everything that I want to say, because we all know, when I want to tell a story, it's never going to be a short one. This year was a year of growth and grief. Yet at the end of all of it I have discovered that more than anything, it was a year of personal doscovery, but I'll touch on that later.

Personal Ups of the year:

* Twitter is definitely at the top of my list, only because it brought me closer to people who otherwise, I would only get to talk to when we happened to be online at the same time especially Evan. (You have no idea how much you taught me, not only about sports, but also about music and the world in general! So I have to say thank you, truly, from the bottom of my heart.)

* New friends, who have shown me that not everyone is the same, and that I will make it through.

* Watching Jonathan grow up before my eyes, and realizing that I have one very intelligent child on my hands, and I am not just saying that because he is my little boy (though I do tend to be biased)

* Growing closer to Matt's family. Amazing isn't it, how you can become closest to people when your going through times of despair.

* Falling even more in love with Matt. Believe it or not, we hit a really rough patch last year, and as hard as it was, the discussion of divorce came up, and even now as I write this, it sends shivers down my spine. As difficult as it was to face that discussion head on, it in the end, brought so much closer, and forced us to fight for each other. To fix the things in ourselves that needed fixing.

* My first "real" road trip. Driving from Charlotte, North Carolina to Tacoma, Washington, was probably the craziest thing I have ever done, but it was amazing. Gave me the chance to see some very amazing and beautiful sights, as well as to test the patience of being stuck in the car with my husband for hours upon hours a day lol.

* Probably, the biggest "UP" of 2009 in my personal life was writing again. I mean really writing. I lost it for a while, and when I started writing again, and sharing it with people their reactions to it left me breathless, and humbled. I rediscovered a gift that I was afraid that I had lost, and when I was told by many people, most of whom I have never met that something I wrote changed their life or made them look at things differently, was so amazing, that I cannot find the words to describe it.

Personal Downs of the Year

* Going through one of the darkest depresssions that I have gone through in a long time. It was so hard at times that I was terrified I wouldn't find my way out of it.

*Dealing with self-injury. For a long time I hid from everyone, and when I finally did start telling people, I realized that I am not as alone as I thought that I was.

* Not being able to finish school because of money "issues"

* Money. Need I say more????

2009, was the hardest year that I have been through since 2001, when my Dad passed away. Not only personally, but the world over. With that said, there were also amazing moments, that will be alive in all of our memories for the rest of our lives, as well as live in history books to come. The inauguration of our 44th president, Barack Obama, the first African-American president, and a renewed hope for all of us, an amazing moment, which sadly, I missed because I was classroom parent that day for Jonathan's pre-school class, yet I will never forget when class was over and parent after parent came in, eyes red, proof of their tears, and it was all from listening to his speech. I really kicked myself for missing that one. Yet, a few weeks later, sitting in the e.r with my best friend I read his speech in a magazine and will gladly and proudly admit that I was reduced to tears by it. Honestly, and as sad as this is going to sound, all of those amazing moments that happened in 2009 were severely outweighed by the horrible things that happened.

Recessions, 6 officers being killed in my state, and what I feel is one of the deadliest years in Hollywood. Which is where I will touch on next.

Deadliest Year In Hollywood?

* Steve McNair

* Michael Jackson (will be touching on this further down, keep an eye out on it)

* Ed McMahon

* Billy Mays

* Farrah Fawcett

* David Carradine

* Wayman Tisdale

* Dom DeLuise

* Bea Arthur

* Nick Adenhart

* Natasha Richardson

* Jeremy Lusk

* Jett Travolta

* Walter Cronkite

* Les Paul

* Ted Kennedy

* Adam "DJ AM" Goldstein

* Patrick Swayze

* Britney Murphy

Sadly, thats only part of the list that I found, but trying to write all of the names would have me here until 2011....

The Day The World Stood Still...

Five days before entering the seventh month of 2009 the world lost one of the most iconic musical artists in the world, and when the news hit that on June 25th, Michael Joseph Jackson the world stood still. The entire internet almost shut down, from the sheer enormity of traffic from people scrambling to find if it was true. I was one of those people. When I got the text from Matt telling that it was reported that Michael collapsed from a heart attack I couldn't believe it. So I jumped online and found out it was so much worse than that, he died. A golden heart stopped beating that day, and with that, the world became a little bit of a darker place to be in. Despite people's opinions of his odd behavior and eccentricities, his talen and giving heart was undeniable. I remember the day I fell in love with the man and his music, and I cried that day, with millions, possibly billions of people across the globe at the amazing loss. I watched the memorial, and I smiled through the words and memories that some people shared, the lucky ones who not only knew Michael as an artist and performer, but who knew him as a person. I applauded Janet when she spoe at the BET Music Awards, and her words weighed heavy on my heart. I cringed when people speculated openly about what would be found in his home. I am a true fan, and I will be until the day I die, but I have to think, even if I wasn't a fan, how is it that even after death, people just cant seem to leave him alone. So he was a little different? Does his differences, and the way he lived his life really negate the undeniable truth that he was one of the most influential artists of all time? I dont think so, then again who am I and what does my opinion matter any? My sincere hope, is that going into 2010, people will finally leave him be, and remember him as Michael the artist, not Michael the "wierdo." RIP Michael.

Final Thoughts....

Well, I think that about sums it up for this blog. All that is left is to tell of things I am striving for in 2010.

* Finish School (lets face it I need to get on the ball.)

* Quit Smoking (much harder than I thought it would be.)

* Continue to write no matter what anyone thinks or says. It's what I love.

* Become a better person

* Touch someone's life.

* Witness a Miracle.

* Find God again....

I don't know what more I can say about 2009, other than honestly I am glad its over. The memories whether good or bad will always be with me, and I will grow from them. I extend to everyone this advice. Live in the moment, because lets face it, tomorrow is not guaranteed, so do what you love, laugh often, cry less, and make the most of every single day!

To my friends I love you all and thank you for the memories.

To my family, you are all so amazing and I look forward to making 2010 a great year with all of you!

So in the words of a dear friend, Goodbye 2009...Go F*** Yourself!!!! ( Sorry, I had to add that in there)

Love Always,

Amber-Marie