Christmas; The Greatest Time Of The Year?

Well, Christmas is upon us, four days away to be exact. For some unknown reason, it just doesn't feel the same for me. Usually, I'm playing Christmas music around the clock, watching a Christmas movie every night, and driving Matt crazy with all of my giddy chatter of the wonderful season...Not so much this year. There has just been so much sadness this year, that I feel like Christmas is kind of, lost to me. I have battled depression and self-injury this year. I'm watching my sister-in-law deal with the same issues, Matt having trouble at work, and an unruly but lovable four year old who keeps me so busy that half the time I'm lucky if I remember to breathe. Yet, all of those issues aside, I think I know what is at the core of my Christmas Time Blues.

I had a rough childhood, up until I was eight. When I was adopted into one of the most loving albeit disfunctional families. I remember my first Christmas with my family. The look on my Mom and Dad's face when they watched all of us kids open presents. How happy we all were. Things have changed so much since those days. I live two states away and haven't had a Christmas at home since I was seventeen. That's five years of memories that I haven't been able to be a part of. I feel extremely disconnected from everyone that I once used to rely on. I miss them all so much that sometimes I worry its going to consume me. But what do you do when your heart is in two places at once? I cant in my right mind go home for Christmas and leave Matt home without Jonathan or me to celebrate with, but at the same time, it seems so unfair to have to be away from my family.

I know I should be thankful, because there are people out there that have nobody, and I don't mean to sound ungrateful, because I'm not. I often wonder 'what if' I mean who doesnt? I wonder how life would have turned out if my Dad never died, or if I had never moved to Washington with Matt. At the end of the day though, I have to remember that if my Dad never died, I would have never met Matt and had Jonathan, which would break my heart. I cannot imagine my life without that little boy, he is everything to me. If I would have stayed in California, well Matt and I probably wouldn't be together. He has a strong aversion to the idea of living in Cali...which I will never understand. So, does wishing that I could have my cake and eat it too, so to speak, make me a bad person? Is wishing to have a Christmas with the family I started and the family I left behind, such a bad thing?

Well, I think that's enough rambling for now. I wish you all a Merry Christmas and wonderful New Year. I miss you all, my family. You all are so amazing. Keep an eye out for my end of the year blog, its bound to be a good read.

Love,

Amber-Marie

Little Girl Lost & Found

This year has been a roller coaster for me, and I dont know why I have decided to talk about it now, but I guess for once I am listening to the little voice in the back of my head telling me to just let it out, and let it go. The last six months of last year were horrible. Everything from being betrayed to losing friendships sent me spiraling down a into one of the deepest and darkest depressions that I have faced in my life. This year hasn't been much better. I have spent so much of my time trying to find myself, and trying to make everyone around me happy. It wasn't until a pivotal discussion with my husband and best friend Matt, that I realized that holding onto the anger and the pain just isn't worth it anymore. It's always easy to hold onto the things that hurt us than to just let it go, forgive and forget as they say. I know that I have made mistakes in my life, but its because of those mistakes that I have become who I am today. So I guess in part this blog will also be a rant. I am tired of people assuming that just because I got pregnant at a young age that I am a slut. I'm not, I never was, never will be. I fell in love with the greatest man in the world and made a beautiful son, who is the light of my life. Just because I got pregnant and married at 18 doesn't mean that I don't have dreams, or aspirations. Because I do. And I will achieve every single one of them, and when I do, I will thank every single person that told me that I would never make it. I realized that for a long time I felt alone, and it wasn't because I was alone, it was because I was too afraid to let people in and see the weak side of me, the human side of me. Not anymore. I refuse to live the rest of my life feeling like I can't do it. Or that I can't tell people what I really think. Today is a new day, its my new dawn, and I am going to take it in stride. I will hold my head up and be proud of who I am, no matter what anyone else thinks.

One Month Later, And It Still Hurts

For as long as I could remember, I have loved music. I was once asked if I remember the song that made me fall in love with the art known as music, and I can honestly say that I can and do remember. It was the year after Free Willy came out, and we were watching the movie in school. And the video played, and it was love at first sight, for both the music and the man. I sit here almost exactly a month since Michael Jackson died, and I am still in just as much shock, but more over, I am disgusted by the human race as a whole. I have heard the accusations he beat rise back up, name-calling, and people who said that they were actually happy that he died. I am a naturally compassionate person, and sometimes that gets me into trouble. But in this case, I feel absolutely no shame in what I am going to say. It is deeply disturbing to me that people so easily and callously talk so badly about Michael Jackson. First and foremost he was a father, a son, a brother, and then an entertainer. He has three children who are left heartbroken and scared. Believe me I know. I lost my father when I was 14, and if anyone spoke that way about my dad after he died, I would have been scarred for life. Do people not think about the fact that everything that is said is accessible to his children? I know that Michael Jackson was not a perfect person, but nobody is. I am sick of people discrediting his work because of things in his past. First of all, people need to do their homework and educate themselves. Michael was only ever accused twice of child molestation. Firt accusation charges were dropped due to insufficient evidence. To all the people that say he paid the family "hush" money, what he paid was a settlement between him and the family in a civil suit. The second accusation did go to trial, where he was founf INNOCENT! Know I dont claim to be the smartest person around, but I do know that in the Wonderful U. S. Of A that usually means someone didn't do. Know unless everyone who has said something or other about MJ being a pedophile has some sort of secret knowledge that he in fact commited those crimes, they dont really have any reason to call him a pedophile. No one knows what did or did not happen, the only ones who do are MJ and GOD. Its between them know.

Now that my rant is over, I feel the need to say something to describe what MJ as a performer meant to me, but the words fail me. I remember talking to my friend and Matt just a few days before he died, and saying that the day he died would be not only heartbreaking, but the world would feel like a darker and scarier place. What MJ brought to the table was so much more than just his music. He was said to have had a heart like a child. He loved everything and everyone. He gave more than any other celebrity for charities he believed in and for people who live in situations that no one should suffer through. Since his death I have found myself on the urge of tears many times.Whether I'm watching music videos, or news stories, that familiar tightening in the back of my throat and burning in my eyes starts. What I have learned from all of this though, is just because Michael is no longer physically in this world, his music will live on for the rest of our lives and the lives to come. My son is three and a half, and on a daily basis he asks to either watch his music videos or hear his songs. I see the way that his eyes light up when the familiar beat of Thriller or Black or White comes on, and I realize that MJ has touched not only my generation, but my son's generation also. He will forever be the King Of Pop. And I pray every day, that he is resting in peace, and he is somewhere, where there is no sadness, hopelessness, fear, or redicule. I Love You Michael, thank you for the gift that you gave me, and thank you for the gift you will give generations to come, RIP.