I have been compelled to write this blog, on a very touchy subject. I do not expect everyone to agree with me, however, I am writing so that I have a voice, and maybe, just maybe, I can give other's a voice. What is Rape? Rape is defined as 1.) The unlawful compelling of a woman through physical force or duress to have sexual intercourse. 2.) Any act of sexual intercourse that is forced upon a person. 3.) An act of plunder, violent seizure, or abuse; despoliation; violation. 4.) Archaic. The act of seizing or carrying off by force. For most the topic of sexual assault is a "taboo" subject. One in which most would rather sweep it under the rug and pretend it doesn't happen, then to deal with the harsh reality. I recently heard something distressing. Someone said that if a woman wears 'revealing, or immodest clothes they are asking for something to happen,' and that 'you cant rape the willing.' Well, before I put my two cents in on what this person said, bare with me as I give some statistics to you.
1.) One out of every six American woman has been the victim of an attempted or completed rape in her lifetime.
2.) 17.7 MILLION American women have been victims of attempted or completed rape.
3.) Nine of every Ten rape victims were women in 2003.
4.) About THREE percent of American men, or one in thirty-three, have experienced an attempted or completed rape in their lifetime.
5.) There were 248,300 sexual assaults in 2007. ( Most recent data available courtesy of the U.S Department of Justice's National Crime Victimization Survey.) That breaks down to one rape or sexual assault every TWO MINUTES!
6.) Sexual Assault is one of the most underreported crimes with SIXTY percent going unreported, that means, fifteen out of every sixteen rapists walk FREE. ( all statistics can be found at www.rainn.org/statistics )
You may be wondering what all those statistics were about. Well I'll tell you. When I heard the person who shall remain nameless say what they said, it made me want to vomit. For anyone in this world to try and justify a rape or sexual assault by blaming the victim is ludicrous. To say that the way a person dresses is an open invitation for unwanted attention and action is appalling. Does that mean that every woman walking in a short skirt, or low cut shirt is asking for someone to rape them? That makes about as much sense as me walking up to someone and punching them in the face because they are wearing a color I don't like.
This also includes women or men who are inebriated. Just because someone is intoxicated doesn't change the fact that consent needs to be given. If someone is blacked out does that give someone free reign to do whatever they want to someone? I dont think so. If that was the case, Andrew Luster wouldn't be rotting in jail for doing what he did. If that was the case there wouldn't be 'date-rape' now would there be?
The sad thing is, no matter what I say it wont change anything. The world is what it is. I can only hope that victims find their voices. That they speak up. They make it known that what happened to them, or someone they love, IS NOT OKAY! Victims tend to blame themselves, and it's sad when people who should be supporting and lifting them up, instead turn on them, and place blame where it doesn't belong.
So this is where I speak up. I am a victim of sexual assault. I live with it every single day of my life. There are the good days where it isn't on my mind, and there are the bad days, where it's all that I can think about. There are days I blame myself. For being in the situation, for not saying anything, for sweeping it under the rug. But I refuse to sit by and let anyone say that because of what a girl wears they were asking for it. I didnt ask for it. 17.7 million women didn't ask for it, but it happened. It is hard enough to live our lives not blaming ourselves for what happened, but to have ignorant and blatanly disgusting people say those sort of things only makes it harder for us to come forward and do the right thing and report what happened. I refuse to be just another nameless, faceless, voiceless victim. I will not remain silent when things like that are said. Silence will no longer be in my vocabulary when I feel the need to stand up and make a statement. When I feel wronged.
So to the people who think that way, that rape and sexual assault is something that the victims brought upon themselves, ask yourself this. Would you think the same thing if it was your mother, sister, brother, son, daughter, father, cousin? Would you be so quick to point the finger? To make such callous and hurtful remarks?
My name is Amber Toms, and after today I will no longer be just another nameless, faceless, voiceless victim. I take back that power.
To anyone who reads this, who has been a victim, I plea that you dont remain silent. Find someone to talk to. Family. Friends. A counselor. Don't lock away the pain. Victims of sexual assault are FOUR times more likely to contemplate suicide. Know this, what happened to you, will not define you as a person, unless you give it the power to. You are so much more than a victim. Take what happened to you, and use it. Take the anger, the pain, the wave of emotions that course through you and put it to use. Find something your passionate about and turn it into something beautiful. Most importantly know that you are not alone.
Finally to the person who said those things, I hope that you found this blog educational. And note, I even put the link to the website where I got all of my information from so that you can see it for yourself. I hope it does enlighten you. Most of all, thank you. What you said, set something off inside of me, lit a fire that burns in my blood, and it made me realize that for every person that is just like you, there are hundreds, even thousands who will fight and stand for the victims. Because of you, I will no longer live my life feeling like a victim. I will take what happened to me, and countless others and turn it into something. I will fight to make my voice heard, to make all of our voices heard, and it's going to be deafening. One day, you'll swallow those words. As much as I wish I could say I hate you, I wont. I will forgive you, and forget that you ever existed. And I pray, that you never have to find out first hand what its like to feel that hopeless, alone, scared, and ashamed.
Love,
Amber
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