Well, Christmas is upon us, four days away to be exact. For some unknown reason, it just doesn't feel the same for me. Usually, I'm playing Christmas music around the clock, watching a Christmas movie every night, and driving Matt crazy with all of my giddy chatter of the wonderful season...Not so much this year. There has just been so much sadness this year, that I feel like Christmas is kind of, lost to me. I have battled depression and self-injury this year. I'm watching my sister-in-law deal with the same issues, Matt having trouble at work, and an unruly but lovable four year old who keeps me so busy that half the time I'm lucky if I remember to breathe. Yet, all of those issues aside, I think I know what is at the core of my Christmas Time Blues.
I had a rough childhood, up until I was eight. When I was adopted into one of the most loving albeit disfunctional families. I remember my first Christmas with my family. The look on my Mom and Dad's face when they watched all of us kids open presents. How happy we all were. Things have changed so much since those days. I live two states away and haven't had a Christmas at home since I was seventeen. That's five years of memories that I haven't been able to be a part of. I feel extremely disconnected from everyone that I once used to rely on. I miss them all so much that sometimes I worry its going to consume me. But what do you do when your heart is in two places at once? I cant in my right mind go home for Christmas and leave Matt home without Jonathan or me to celebrate with, but at the same time, it seems so unfair to have to be away from my family.
I know I should be thankful, because there are people out there that have nobody, and I don't mean to sound ungrateful, because I'm not. I often wonder 'what if' I mean who doesnt? I wonder how life would have turned out if my Dad never died, or if I had never moved to Washington with Matt. At the end of the day though, I have to remember that if my Dad never died, I would have never met Matt and had Jonathan, which would break my heart. I cannot imagine my life without that little boy, he is everything to me. If I would have stayed in California, well Matt and I probably wouldn't be together. He has a strong aversion to the idea of living in Cali...which I will never understand. So, does wishing that I could have my cake and eat it too, so to speak, make me a bad person? Is wishing to have a Christmas with the family I started and the family I left behind, such a bad thing?
Well, I think that's enough rambling for now. I wish you all a Merry Christmas and wonderful New Year. I miss you all, my family. You all are so amazing. Keep an eye out for my end of the year blog, its bound to be a good read.
Love,
Amber-Marie
