Gone but never Forgotten
Looking back to a year ago today, life was different. Truly, it was. I woke up bright and early on the morning of June 25th of 2009, my heart aching because I was going to have to say good bye to my best friend. After a month of having her as my right hand man, I was having to put her on a plane and watch her leave. My heart broke when I hugged her goodbye and through teary eyes said ' See ya later' only to get back in my car and cry the entire way home. I walked in the door of my in-laws house to the news that Farrah Fawcett had lost her long battle with cancer, and I felt sad. Though I didn't really know much about her, I felt sad for her family, because the loss of a loved one is never easy. Little did I know that walking out of that house only a few hours later there would be an even greater loss, one so big in fact that the entire world stood still.
I wont forget the text message I got from Matt. ' Did you hear about Michael Jackson?' Which I thought was wierd, because even though my husband is in fact a Michael Jackson fan, he isn't nearly on the same wave length as me. ' No.' ' You better get online, TMZ is saying that he died from a heart attack.' My heart faltered for a moment, but at the same time I kind of shrugged it off. After all TMZ isn't exactly known for 'honest' journalism. So I turned the TV on, flipping from CNN, CNBC, MSNBC, Fox News, you name it I was looking at all of them, but there was nothing. So I hopped online, to find that still, TMZ was the only one reporting anything about the situation. And then it happened, like some sort of sick universal joke, news station after news station started breaking the news, and at first there were so many different stories coming to light that my head was spinning. I sunk to the couch, tears clouding my eyes when it came through that Michael Jackson, had collapsed and been rushed to UCLA Medical Center.
It didn't make sense to me. The weekend before Laycie, Matt, and I sat on our balcony and discussed how big we thought Michael's This Is It tour was going to be. In my eyes, I knew it was going to be the greatest comeback of all comebacks. After all, he is the King Of Pop, a true genius when it came to the stage, and how to put on a show that would have people talking for years. It was also in that same weekend that Laycie watched right alond side of me as my Jonathan ( three and a half at the time) in his t-shirt, pull up, one glove, and construction hat (that he insisted was just like Michael's hat) fell in love with music, all because of Michael. I cried, harder than I had in a really long time, and in a soft voice my son asked me what was wrong. Now, I'm not one to lie to my child, so I stifled the tears and told him that Michael Jackson was sick, and he asked why? So I said his heart was sick, the best that I could come up with, with what I had been hearing, and in the innocence that is a childs spirit and heart he said, " It's okay Momma, Michael will be better tomorrow." I grasped onto that hope. I had too.
Of course, three hundred and sixty five days later we all know that Michael Jackson wasn't okay. He died that day, and the world became a little darker and lonelier. Most people ask me why it hurts me so much, why I'm so affected by the passing of someone that I didn't personally know. The truth is, I didn't know Michael. I never spoke to him, or shared a meal, or anything else, but I felt that I did know. I felt that Michael spoke to me in every song he wrote and every dance he danced. Michael gave me hope. The first song I heard of his was the lifeline that I needed when I was nothing more than a little girl lost in the system, waiting for the moment when I got moved to the next home. He gave me something to hold onto, until the family that loves me to this day found me and saved me.
Michael Jackson was an artist, a poet, a musical genius. Yet he was so much more than that. He was a son, brother, father. He was someone's best friend. There was and always be a beauty to Michael that transends the gift he had for music. He was rare. Unquestionably one in a million.
Michael gave me a lot. More than my love of music. He taught me to look for the beauty and good in everyone. I dont think there has ever been someone who was as scrutinized and misunderstood as Michael Jackson, and yet through all of the media hype and scrutiny he proceeded to look for the good in this crazy world, and to do his very best to change the things that were wrong in it. He showed me that its okay. It's okay to be different, and unique. That you do not have to conform to what the world tells you, you have to be. You can change this world, all you have to do is believe that you can.
Drawing this blog to an end, I am continually haunted by this quote. " There's nothing romantic about death. Grief is like the ocean...it's deep and dark and bigger than all of us. And pain is like a thief in the night. Quiet, persistent, and unfair....Diminished by time, and fate, and love."
I truly pray that you are at peace now Michael, and I know that your probably up there in Heaven looking down, watching over all of the people who are grieving for you and shaking your head. I know we should be smiling for you, so that's what I will do today. I'll smile.
