Little Girl Lost & Found

This year has been a roller coaster for me, and I dont know why I have decided to talk about it now, but I guess for once I am listening to the little voice in the back of my head telling me to just let it out, and let it go. The last six months of last year were horrible. Everything from being betrayed to losing friendships sent me spiraling down a into one of the deepest and darkest depressions that I have faced in my life. This year hasn't been much better. I have spent so much of my time trying to find myself, and trying to make everyone around me happy. It wasn't until a pivotal discussion with my husband and best friend Matt, that I realized that holding onto the anger and the pain just isn't worth it anymore. It's always easy to hold onto the things that hurt us than to just let it go, forgive and forget as they say. I know that I have made mistakes in my life, but its because of those mistakes that I have become who I am today. So I guess in part this blog will also be a rant. I am tired of people assuming that just because I got pregnant at a young age that I am a slut. I'm not, I never was, never will be. I fell in love with the greatest man in the world and made a beautiful son, who is the light of my life. Just because I got pregnant and married at 18 doesn't mean that I don't have dreams, or aspirations. Because I do. And I will achieve every single one of them, and when I do, I will thank every single person that told me that I would never make it. I realized that for a long time I felt alone, and it wasn't because I was alone, it was because I was too afraid to let people in and see the weak side of me, the human side of me. Not anymore. I refuse to live the rest of my life feeling like I can't do it. Or that I can't tell people what I really think. Today is a new day, its my new dawn, and I am going to take it in stride. I will hold my head up and be proud of who I am, no matter what anyone else thinks.

One Month Later, And It Still Hurts

For as long as I could remember, I have loved music. I was once asked if I remember the song that made me fall in love with the art known as music, and I can honestly say that I can and do remember. It was the year after Free Willy came out, and we were watching the movie in school. And the video played, and it was love at first sight, for both the music and the man. I sit here almost exactly a month since Michael Jackson died, and I am still in just as much shock, but more over, I am disgusted by the human race as a whole. I have heard the accusations he beat rise back up, name-calling, and people who said that they were actually happy that he died. I am a naturally compassionate person, and sometimes that gets me into trouble. But in this case, I feel absolutely no shame in what I am going to say. It is deeply disturbing to me that people so easily and callously talk so badly about Michael Jackson. First and foremost he was a father, a son, a brother, and then an entertainer. He has three children who are left heartbroken and scared. Believe me I know. I lost my father when I was 14, and if anyone spoke that way about my dad after he died, I would have been scarred for life. Do people not think about the fact that everything that is said is accessible to his children? I know that Michael Jackson was not a perfect person, but nobody is. I am sick of people discrediting his work because of things in his past. First of all, people need to do their homework and educate themselves. Michael was only ever accused twice of child molestation. Firt accusation charges were dropped due to insufficient evidence. To all the people that say he paid the family "hush" money, what he paid was a settlement between him and the family in a civil suit. The second accusation did go to trial, where he was founf INNOCENT! Know I dont claim to be the smartest person around, but I do know that in the Wonderful U. S. Of A that usually means someone didn't do. Know unless everyone who has said something or other about MJ being a pedophile has some sort of secret knowledge that he in fact commited those crimes, they dont really have any reason to call him a pedophile. No one knows what did or did not happen, the only ones who do are MJ and GOD. Its between them know.

Now that my rant is over, I feel the need to say something to describe what MJ as a performer meant to me, but the words fail me. I remember talking to my friend and Matt just a few days before he died, and saying that the day he died would be not only heartbreaking, but the world would feel like a darker and scarier place. What MJ brought to the table was so much more than just his music. He was said to have had a heart like a child. He loved everything and everyone. He gave more than any other celebrity for charities he believed in and for people who live in situations that no one should suffer through. Since his death I have found myself on the urge of tears many times.Whether I'm watching music videos, or news stories, that familiar tightening in the back of my throat and burning in my eyes starts. What I have learned from all of this though, is just because Michael is no longer physically in this world, his music will live on for the rest of our lives and the lives to come. My son is three and a half, and on a daily basis he asks to either watch his music videos or hear his songs. I see the way that his eyes light up when the familiar beat of Thriller or Black or White comes on, and I realize that MJ has touched not only my generation, but my son's generation also. He will forever be the King Of Pop. And I pray every day, that he is resting in peace, and he is somewhere, where there is no sadness, hopelessness, fear, or redicule. I Love You Michael, thank you for the gift that you gave me, and thank you for the gift you will give generations to come, RIP.