Nothingness

You know, I was hoping that I wouldn't have to write this, but seeing as some things came up, and I have nobody to talk too, I feel the need to let it all out here before I completely lose it and blow up.

Over the last month or so, all I have heard people saying to me is that I've changed. People from my past telling me I've changed, my husband telling me I've changed, and I swear that if I hear someone say those words to me again, I will completely lose it.

Yes, I've changed! Is that a bad thing? Isn't life all about growing up, changing, becoming the person that you were always meant to be? So why is it that when I change, when I become a different person people act like its a neucleur meltdown? Why is it that its okay for other people, but not me?

So, for everyone to read and see I will list who I am, in a painstakingly put together list.

1. I am a girl of extreme emotions, and I accept that. I don't feel something half way. I feel it one hundred percent. If I'm sad, I'm sad, If I'm happy, I'm happy. Plain and simple.


2. I am not certain of myself, ever. I hace self-confidence issues, and I always have. But I am working every single day on making myself better.


3. My family comes first. They have to come first. Everything I do, or dont do comes down to my husband and my child. If you have a problem with that, then you know where the door is, be sure that it hits you on the ass on the way out!


4. I over think. I'm an over-thinker! I will obsess about decisions laying in front of me to the point that I can't sleep, cant eat, cant think of anything else.


5. I have lost my faith. I have lost my faith in God, in church, in most people.


6. That girl that you used to know, the one who would give anything for you, yeah she isn't here anymore. Life, situations, and circumstances have made her just a shell of who she used to be.


7. I hate looking in the mirror. I am never happy with the person that I see.


8. I fear that I will never live up to the standars laid before me, that I will always be a disappointment.


9. I hide my fears behind a carefully placed mask of happiness.


10. I'm terrified of getting close to you. You know how who you are, or you should. I am terrified of getting close to you, but I'm trying, I'm willing to try because I think YOUR worth it.


11. I wish that I didn't have emotions.


12. I dont like showing people the real me, or telling them anything of substance because the moment that you do tell someone you leave yourself open for the heartbreak that can come of it.


13. And finally, and most importantly, I can never go back to that girl. The naive eighteen year old who looked at the world like it was all rainbows and butterflies died a long time ago. But in her place is a woman who knows that for as much ugliness as there is in this world, there is always hope, and I do not, will not regret the fact that I've changed.

I suppose part of me will always miss who I used to be, and that's what kills me. I wish I wasn't so afraid. Afraid of my past, afraid of my future, but I am, and I'm trying to learn to live with that the best that I can.

Its one of the hardest things to admit for some people, and especially for me, that sometimes I need someone. I have been trying so hard for the last couple of years to prove to myself, to prove to everyone else that I don't need anybody, that I can handle everything on my own, but the truth is that I cant. Sometimes the emotions get to be too much, and sometimes life gets to be to hard.

When I started this blog, I was burning mad, so beyond pissed that I could barely think straight. But now, now I just feel empty. Like there is absolutely nothing left inside of me. There's nothing more I can say, not about this.